I remember, before I left Boulder, I told myself that I was never ever ever going to have another baking job. No more early butt crack of dawn mornings for this chick. But, sometimes we don't get to choose what our living prayer is. Sometimes we just gotta go with what our gifts are. And to my dismay, (actually abounding joy) I have been called to for whatever reason, to create pretty little pastries that are true and good.
This blog post is a little confessional of sorts. An insight into my authentic experience as a creature going after endeavors of the heart.
It's been a whirlwind of highs and lows since I have moved to Charlottesville. I've chosen a whole new beautiful family dynamic, and to boot I started my very own baking business. It was really challenging to get everything in place to get it all running. I doubted my skills, I doubted my knowing, I had a hard time finding the confidence to just get after it. To take a huge leap. I am still in amazement that I actually have been operating for the past 8 months doing whole sale and special orders. I am no business woman. Thank the heavens I had some guidance from my parents in key moments, but for the most part its been a lonely road to pave for myself. Its daunting not knowing what next step to take. And its amazing when your next step is aligned with the forward momentum of your dreams manifesting. This journey into creating a business of my own has really been a lesson in opening up to divine guidance and trusting in the flow of life. And that sounds so cliche to me, but when you actually experience it, beyond all the stress of trying to control everything, its a big huge relief.
I still very much so struggle with having the identity as a baker. Like, my work, the moments I so intentionally direct my life force, go towards creating little pastries. It seems so frivolous to me. Is this work enough?! I ask myself often. Is it o.k. that I am making food for people that is healthy in its own right, but still really an indulgent snack? Oh the turmoil. Ha! But, then I get into my kitchen space. I am surrounded by these tools and ingredients that I have become so intimate with. Recipes that have found themselves a home in the vessel of my mind. I slip into the zone of creativity and flow state where I am just the conduit of this creative process. And it is so freaking fun. Like joyfully fun. And I have all sorts of special little thoughts that I notice, and I feel so damn lucky that I get this time and space to do this simple act of baking. This really old process in a new way. And what I am learning is that I could be doing anything under the sun, but it is the intention and presence and appreciation that change what I do into a meaningful act. And ultimately in the end it won't ever matter because it all dissolves any ways.